


Take My Hand, Wreck My Plans

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Emotions, F/M, Gen, Running Away, Spoilers for Book 2: Chain of Iron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 04:48:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30100542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Cordelia does her best to sift through her conflicted thoughts and emotions after seeing James and Grace together.
Relationships: Cordelia Carstairs & Matthew Fairchild, Cordelia Carstairs/James Herondale
Kudos: 4
Collections: SHBingo 20-21





	Take My Hand, Wreck My Plans

**Author's Note:**

> For my Shadowhunters bingo square: Rivals  
> Takes place at the end of Chain of Iron, so spoilers ahead!

Cordelia knows what Matthew expects - he expects Cordelia to look at Grace as a rival. He’s the only one who knows of her true feelings for James, the only one who knows that she wishes this was so much more than an act between the two of them, the only one other than herself who bears this burden. It’s something she’s felt more than enough guilt to last herself a lifetime over, but right now it’s the only thing saving her sanity after abruptly fleeing her own home at the sight of James with Grace. 

She almost wishes she _did_ view Grace as a proper enemy, someone to shout at the sight of, to feel justified in demanding Grace leave _her_ home, to ask how she dared to have enough audacity to even _consider_ coming there in the first place… but she did none of those things, because she knows she has no true right to. Because as much as it’s her home, it’s James’ home as well. And James doesn’t love her. James loves Grace. No matter how much she wishes, no matter how much she foolishly allows herself to hope that the affection he shows her might be something more than niceties…

But it isn’t. It never will be. And Grace isn’t her rival, because Cordelia never stood a chance against her. It was never a competition, not in the true sense of the word. 

Matthew is the only one she can turn to because he’s the only one who knows the truth of her feelings, but that doesn’t mean he understands. He doesn’t get why she isn’t mad at James for breaking his promise to stay away from Grace, he doesn’t understand how she can be so rational in her acceptance of James’ plainly spoken truth that he cannot and will not ever care for her the way he cares for Grace. 

She can’t explain it to him because she doesn’t fully understand it, either. She should be furious but she isn’t, she’s just… _tired_. Tired, and sad, and in need of an escape from the reality of her situation. All at once, Cordelia realizes why she came here - because she knows if there’s one person she can trust with convenient escapism, it’s Matthew. Subconsciously she probably hoped for something like a trip to Helle Ruelle - she certainly didn’t expect the proposition of going away to Paris. 

She also doesn’t expect the confession of Matthew’s feelings. It should change things. She should certainly take that information and say no to the offer of Paris, even if she doesn’t feel the same, even if he promises separate rooms and nothing untoward. Part of her gives the ultimatum of no drinking in the hopes that he wouldn’t agree and her decision would be made for her, but he agrees so eagerly that she sees how desperately he wants - and maybe needs - to not be alone just then. Maybe she needs the same. 

As much a surprise to herself as it is for Matthew, Cordelia agrees to run away to Paris. 

No, not running away, she isn’t running away. She’s just… no, if she’s going to do this then she must at least be honest with herself. She is running away, much the same way Matthew is. This is more than a night of distraction, this is committing to fleeing the country to avoid speaking with James about what she saw and how she feels, and after everything they just survived she can’t imagine enduring that conversation on top of everything else. If some part of her didn’t want to flee then she would take Matthew’s offer to stay here while he’s away, to clear her head for a night and talk to James in the morning. A quiet, rational voice tells her to stay, that it’s the right thing to do, but a louder voice still shouts _run_ , _run, run_. 

So she takes Matthew’s offer of Paris. She takes his hand and runs. 

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


End file.
